‘I Felt Ashamed Of My Existence’: Robin Uthappa On Battling Depression In 2011

On Tuesday, former India wicketkeeper-batter Robin Uthappa shared his personal battle with depression from 2011. His disclosure follows the recent confirmation from Graham Thorpe’s family that the former England cricketer took his own life after enduring prolonged struggles with depression and anxiety.

Robin Uthappa’s ‘Debilitating and exhausting’ battle with depression

In a social media post, the 38-year-old revealed his “debilitating and exhausting” fight with depression, which had severe mental and physical effects, leaving him feeling ashamed when he looked in the mirror. He confessed that this struggle was far more daunting than confronting the most difficult deliveries he faced on the cricket field.

“I recently heard about Graham Thorpe and we have heard about multiple cricketers who have ended their lives because of depression. Even in the past, we have heard of athletes and cricketers who have ended their lives because of clinical depression. I personally have been there as well. I know for a fact that it’s not a pretty journey. It’s debilitating, it’s exhausting and it’s heavy. It feels burdening,” Uthappa told on his YouTube channel.

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I’ve faced many battles on the cricket field, but none as tough as the one I fought with depression. I’m breaking the silence around mental health because I know I’m not alone.

Prioritise your well-being, seek help, and find hope in the darkness.

I share my story on this… pic.twitter.com/XSACIZUfm4

— Robbie Uthappa (@robbieuthappa) August 20, 2024

“You feel like you are worthless. You feel like you are a burden to the people who you love. You feel like absolutely hopeless. Every step feels heavier and heavier. Every step you take, it feels like more is being added on to you. And just feel immobile.  I went through weeks and months and years of just not wanting to get out of the bed,” he said. 

“I remember in 2011 I was so ashamed of who I became as a human being that I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror. I went all of 2011 just not looking at myself in the mirror. I did avoid any opportunity or even an instance of me looking at myself anywhere. And I know how defeated I felt in those moments. I know how burdensome my existence had become. I know how far away from being purposeful in life,” Uthappa added.

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Uthappa’s remarks come at a time of increasing awareness about athletes’ mental health. The 2007 T20 World Cup champion highlighted the struggles of cricketers like Graham Thorpe, David Johnson, and VB Chandrasekhar, who all faced similar challenges throughout their careers.

A look into key moments of Uthappa’s career

Robin Uthappa first drew attention with a stellar 66 for India B against India A in the 2005 Challenger Trophy in Mumbai, facing a formidable bowling attack including Zaheer Khan, Murali Kartik, and RP Singh. He was part of the Indian team that clinched the T20 World Cup in 2007.

Uthappa made his IPL debut with the Mumbai Indians in 2008. He later became a key player for the Kolkata Knight Riders (KKR) until 2019, amassing nearly 2,500 runs at a strike rate of 136 across 86 matches. After a season with the Rajasthan Royals, he concluded his career with the Chennai Super Kings in 2022, announcing his retirement from all forms of cricket later that year.

He has accumulated a total of 934 runs in ODIs, 249 runs in T20Is and 9446 runs in First Class cricket.